I used to think that every failure was my fault, but every failure was just preparing me for you,
Love is about giving, uniting, and building
I’ve failed to prepare for you
Love is about relying, honesty, and uplifting
I’ve fallen short in preparation for you
Love is about serving, sacrifice, and redemption
My failures were to prepare for you…
Now if only you could find me!
One day I cried and the heavens opened up…I mourned for you and for me and for us. I mourned the death of our hopes and our dreams…
One day I cried for us….
I mourned for the days together we would never get to see. I mourned for the touch that would never touch me…
One day I cried and the tears flowed heavily… I mourned for the US that could never be, because you were you and I was me…I mourned for the laughter we shared in the middle of the night…and for the sights I saw…the ones I didn’t like…
One day I cried and somehow knew that our lamp had gone out and I mourned for you and the both of us two!
Just months ago I was sitting, writing my wedding vows, and expressing my deepest thoughts of gratitude towards you.
Just months ago I thought you were the best and through many expressions I gave the rest.
Just months ago I sat happy in silence allowing thoughts of you to dance in my head.
Just months ago I was devoted and could see no one else but you and the life ahead.
But today ,
The tides changed and I see the shell of who I thought you were
Today I sit thinking about the life I could live without you I sit and infer.
Today I sit wishing and hoping that just for a moment I could tell you,
Tell you that somewhere the thoughts of you, the thoughts of us changed they became mingled and mangled, and mamed.
The walls have gone up, and I don’t know if that will ever change!
For so long it took me a minute to acknowledge your existence, but you lived.
For so long it took me time to admit that you were once there , but now gone.
For so long it took me a minute to cry, but now I mourn at the thoughts of you
For so long it took me a minute to feel the pain, but now I feel it every second of everyday
For so long it took me a minute to enjoy each breath, but now I’m glad that you lived for a moment, and your living helped me to live better.
To live feeling, to live breathing, to live in the moment, because now I realize how hard it was to get here to live. So you’re unknown and gone but never forgotten.
Recently having moved to a new place, the time appears to be flying by. For years I’ve prayed to be in my current location, for improved opportunity. And at the appropriate time, God granted it to me.
The timing of his plans are always “perfect”. My mind is much more settled and I have a greater sense of who I am as a person, however; I must admit the lure of the “city” has entranced me. So how do you find balance in an unbalanced environment? For me the key is staying grounded, but untattered.
Through out childhood due to circumstances that are all to familiar to children in today’s society my parents and I often communicated through a series of hand written letters. At the time I thought they were the worse form of communication for parents and children as I longed for the “normal” family/upbringing. But little did I know I was getting God’s best through my parents’ best.
In these letters my parents communicated with me with more depth and honesty than traditional “in house” parents do at any given time. The letters detailed life lessons, tips, and prayers for my future, most of the things that are often unspoken in regular everyday households.
That’s why I say God gave me his best! Growing up I read the letters with some regard noting what was said as they applied to my life at the moment and put them away. At the time I didn’t realize the value of what was taking place, although I knew without a doubt that I was loved, my parents were proud, and they always noted the goodness of God in each.
As I’ve grown up and now gotten into my thirties I can now appreciate what had taken place. In the hundreds of letters my parents were devulging the secrets to life that they had learned along their journeys without hesitation, without censorship, and without reserve. They were parenting me through distance for my future. The true value of what took place was the ability for me to look back on the life lessons etched out on paper with my now adult eyes and perspective.
These letters, notes, and cards are priceless and full of things that I often I apply now. Many of their words echoe daily in my mind. Things like “don’t take the long way around”, my mother wrote in one letter, advising me to be clear and never put things off because of my youth. Or, “life is just like this chessboard, ” my father said to me as he taught me the game and reinforced in a letter.
My life at that point had been uncharted, and hadn’t even began to take shape but they knew it would one day and God allowed the circumstances to be used for my good overall. Now in my new place, new city, at the crust on a new chapter in my life I’m thankful that although from my vantage point things appear “uncharted”, they have already
been chiseled out by the almighty!
Candid Moment: As children of God its our job to do things that would please him. During service today a key point was brought up amongst the many ways we can please God…how we treat our family…the people God selected for us to be placed with…as it was explained in life we are given authority to decide nearly every detail of our lives (friends, associates, career, etc. in many respects) but family the one we’re placed in is HIS choice.
Often in my life I have questioned this, “family” and thought as many do “why”. In today’s society not many people put an emphasis on family, instead we tend to gravitate more towards things and people that are most like us (in our comfort zone) because often times “family” challenges us, to give more than we want to give or to feel more than we want to feel. To some they place no emphasis on the blood tie relationships between people and gravitate towards bonds that until they are tested often rely on conditions unstated in an invisible contract, that once broken dissolves the bond.
I’ve always found it peculiar as to how some people can build a life based on so little. Often times people will make friendships trying to mimic the feelings of family, and often in the process push those away who love them unconditionally.
But the fact remains that when things are all said and done when you’re at your lowest God has provided a built in safety net. Now granted some families are not what they should be, but when pushed and tried ;they your blood will come through for you.
The family relationship is one that is heavily emphasized throughout the bible, as it refers to God and Jesus as father and son. This bond is unbreakable so much in fact that in order to have one you must also have a relationship with the other.
Family ties are sacred and often scarred by unforgiveness and resentment over time. These factors of division keep many from reaching their full potential. As people we could stand to go back to the times when the word family stood for something. In bible times the family unit carried itself as a church in the sense that people understood that in unity (where two or three were gathered) was where god dwelled and blessings flowed.
Unity amongst kin is where we need to get back to because in division and discourse the devil can freely devour!
It’s been three years since I experienced what I consider a “true God encounter.” I had always heard people use this term to describe the moment when their lives changed forever and they experienced a “great awakening.” But I never thought it would happen to me.
Although I had been a “Christian” my whole life, the thought of a “god” encounter seemed far fetched. I thought that those experiences were for those who were considered to be “lost,” those that hadn’t grown up in church, hadn’t been baptised by the ripe old age of 5 , and that lived drug-fueled lives that were out of control. I was wrong.
I had been the girl that had done “everything” right and had beat the odds. I had been raised by my grandparents, graduated from highschool with top honors, and was one of the first in the family to go on to finish college. I was a success! At least in my mind.
As I went on in my career I faced many challenges daily and the level of stress was astronomical. I was challenged on all fronts by coworkers, the public, and those that I was assigned to each year. And naturally I found myself looking for relief. I prayed. And I become bitter.
The bitterness came from something that was hidden deep within my heart from various experiences and the lack of recognition from my job. The whole time I attended church. I was the “typical” Christian who felt that I could “do me” , do what was half right by god, pray, and expect things to workout. And I was extremely wrong.
As time passed the pressure from job began to explode within in me and started to manifest in my attitude, my thoughts, and even into my physical body. The seeds of bitterness had began to poison me and was mounting to kill me, through intense chest pains.
I can remember having deep pains shooting throughout my body radiating from my chest outward. These pains would stop me in my tracks and were coupled with shortness of breath. I spent countless days in and out of hospital rooms hooked to machines and in tears. Along with that I felt like I had no one. My family was hours away and most of my “friends” deserted me during this time. But God.
In my moments of pain and my upbringing I knew to call on the name of Jesus. Many days and nights I would lay in tears praying for the pain to stop and for things to change. This was my “rock bottom” moment. All my adult life I had prided myself on being able to handle things. I could endure the racism on my job, the rowdy public, and anything else. I was an over comer, until had was faced with something “I” couldn’t over come. My body was giving out on me and I felt like my world was collapsing. But god!
One evening after going to the doctor I sat down on the couch sobbing. And that sobbing turned to prayer. In that moment there was a glow I saw and then I heard a voice within it. By this time I was kneeling on the floor and the voice said “everything will be alright, you’re not going to die, and from now on your life will never be the same.” In those moments tears were streaming down my face, but I felt comforted and confident.
I then realized that the whole time and mostly all of my life I had depended on me. I had always prayed but deep down I believed that god was distant and if things were to get done I would have to do them. Until, I was faced with something I couldn’t fix. After that day I made the decision to trust God. I wanted that feeling of security to never leave so I went after god.
I began to read more of the bible that I had often just had as a night stand piece and I started to pray more and with more fervor. My faith was developing into something real. As I went to more doctors appointments and more tests were ran doctors became more and more perplexed. Nothing wrong could be found!
This experience completely changed my life! In the moments when death seemed to be around the corner I had developed an intense love and thirst for life! Instead of focusing on the pain I began to focus on the moments I had “left”. I found myself laughing and smiling more, and intentionally choosing to be happy instead of focusing in on what was wrong with me, my life, my job, or others. I made peace with those that had wrong me, most of that I realized rested within my own thoughts as I had rehearsed the hurt. I let go!
From that time to this, I can say I truly enjoy my life. You can too!