This will be our absolute last dealings please dont contact me for any reason ever again. I really 100% regret meeting you and inviting you into my life. In 4 years I have gained nothing from your presence you have cost me continually, and yet I have always held out hope for you to be better. Lol looking back I guess I can say I saw what I wanted to see in you, unfortunately all the good I saw was just a vapor, I do hope 1 day you are able to see exactly who and what you are in full. I pray that God opens you’re eyes and I truly wish you well. I do know that through you I’ve learned exactly what I need and dont want in a man and those lessons came hard, but I learned them. Thank you for that. I’m getting married 2019, I guess through all this you help me to really see where the love was and to cleave to that real love fully without any regrets now I can move forward. You also helped me hold a mirror up to myself which allowed me to fully reflect on who I was and realize that my level of expectations were way to low from a man. Back then I truly believed that all I needed was companionship and that as what I got. A companion, not a true friend, nor a helpmate but a companion. Someone who was just there for the ride and that never contributed to the overall growth or interest in me. The last few years have been profound with growth and I honestly believe that had you not entered into my life that growth may not have occured. Above all I’ve learned to love me, and to accept nothing less. Last we spoke prior today before my grandmother got her treatments that was the final straw for me and you and after going through all that and not hearing from you I realized that I needed to hold on to the true exemplification of love that was showing itself in my life regularly instead of chasing the wind. Loving you was killing me, you’re the vain to my existence and yet I thought I could love you past you not loving me. I made excuses for you but no more. Honestly you’re not even worth this letter, you’ll never see it.
Although at times I know you don’t know how to relate to me I believe you’re worth it, we have ultimately put each other through hell you’re way more honest than I could ever be about this relationship. But can you survive with that? Can it sustain with that? Can we be happy like that? With all that goes unspoken, unfulfilled?
A remember a professor of mine telling how her husband had bought her flowers she never saw. As he had forgotten to take them out of the car. And it wasn’t until she smelled the unpleasant aroma one day as she had to take his car to work that she realized the flowers in the backseat dead and deteriorated. As she told the story she giggled as if there was joy in her heart and she explained that flowers and candy weren’t his thing. I was confused as to why she giggled as I found that she was making excuses for him doing what appeared to be trying to please her with what she liked. I then thought that she was crazy for accepting that and she ended her story with a sigh and smile saying “he tried”.
As I’ve gotten older into my own relationships I’ve often thought is an attempt worth the fuss? Could I be happy with attempts without execution? And often times I’ve said no, that’s settling. Until today I hadn’t realized that my professor wasn’t settling at all she was exemplifying “grace”.
The grace that we all want and desire from others and our higher being. The grace that’s needed in life, marriage, and relationships to sustain themselves in times of joy, pain, and even sorrow.
I’m learning grace now with you, even though you don’t realize your teaching me while I’m teaching you.
Sometimes my heart is so full, it’s hard to express. Sometimes it’s so full I can’t get the words off my chest. It’s been so long since I’ve written I don’t think anyone is listening. Pushing forward in the New Year letting go of past hurts and facing my fears. Blessings come when expected. Ready for the day when I’ll be selected. The wait is long and times are hard but I stand around and catch me off gaurd.
Blessings to all.
Loving someone usually will cause you to make sacrifices and to endure things that you probably wouldn’t otherwise, there’s a point when the love you have for them is too expensive. When it drains the good from you, when its not reciprocated, when it takes everything and leaves you empty, when it requires of you what they would NEVER do for you in return its too expensive! Love yourself enough to know that better is out there! So how do you recover and regain yourself?
STEP 1: Let Go!
This doesn’t have to be a romantic love, often times this type of manipulating love comes from those closest to us (family). When it’s too expensive let go!
Letting go seems harsh or extreme but its just what you need to start rebuilding the broken pieces within you.
Step 2: Get Back To You
Take time to embrace things you enjoy again. You can do them alone or with friends either way get back to happy! Seek out things that make you happy and do them as much as possible this allows you to reflect on the things your relationship lacked by helping you to realize that you’re happiness matters too!
Step 3 Avoid the Urge to Find A Replacement
So often people fall into the trap of the “rebound”, because of lonliness and their need to have someone/something fill the void. Don’t allow yourself to fall victim to those urges. They will jurt your healing process by prolonging it even more, after you’ve found a “surrogate” and things don’t workout. Stay single! Even if the person you’re letting go of is a friend or family member stay single because hurting peopke hurt otg5er people and you dont want to drag others into your drama.
Step 4 Allow your healing to take as long as you Need it too
Don’t fall into the trap of listening to others when it comes to your healing. No one truly knows how long it can take to heal from a devastating endevour. But when its over you’ll know it! There will be an extra spring in your step a new perspective on life and love and your eyes will be able to embrace the “sun” again. So often people rush the healing process only to find themselves hurt even worse than before because now the hurts are piling up one on top of the other! Take your time you have your whole life to live!
Today I decided to quit…
I quit allowing you to make me feel like shit
Today I quit
I quit feeling, loving, and caring for you
Today I quit
Not realizing my worth and waiting on you to realize it for me
Today I quit
Missing out on things I enjoy
Today I quit believing and trusting in you to be true
Today I quit
One day I cried and the heavens opened up…I mourned for you and for me and for us. I mourned the death of our hopes and our dreams…
One day I cried for us….
I mourned for the days together we would never get to see. I mourned for the touch that would never touch me…
One day I cried and the tears flowed heavily… I mourned for the US that could never be, because you were you and I was me…I mourned for the laughter we shared in the middle of the night…and for the sights I saw…the ones I didn’t like…
One day I cried and somehow knew that our lamp had gone out and I mourned for you and the both of us two!
For so long it took me a minute to acknowledge your existence, but you lived.
For so long it took me time to admit that you were once there , but now gone.
For so long it took me a minute to cry, but now I mourn at the thoughts of you
For so long it took me a minute to feel the pain, but now I feel it every second of everyday
For so long it took me a minute to enjoy each breath, but now I’m glad that you lived for a moment, and your living helped me to live better.
To live feeling, to live breathing, to live in the moment, because now I realize how hard it was to get here to live. So you’re unknown and gone but never forgotten.