Loving someone usually will cause you to make sacrifices and to endure things that you probably wouldn’t otherwise, there’s a point when the love you have for them is too expensive. When it drains the good from you, when its not reciprocated, when it takes everything and leaves you empty, when it requires of you what they would NEVER do for you in return its too expensive! Love yourself enough to know that better is out there! So how do you recover and regain yourself?
STEP 1: Let Go!
This doesn’t have to be a romantic love, often times this type of manipulating love comes from those closest to us (family). When it’s too expensive let go!
Letting go seems harsh or extreme but its just what you need to start rebuilding the broken pieces within you.
Step 2: Get Back To You
Take time to embrace things you enjoy again. You can do them alone or with friends either way get back to happy! Seek out things that make you happy and do them as much as possible this allows you to reflect on the things your relationship lacked by helping you to realize that you’re happiness matters too!
Step 3 Avoid the Urge to Find A Replacement
So often people fall into the trap of the “rebound”, because of lonliness and their need to have someone/something fill the void. Don’t allow yourself to fall victim to those urges. They will jurt your healing process by prolonging it even more, after you’ve found a “surrogate” and things don’t workout. Stay single! Even if the person you’re letting go of is a friend or family member stay single because hurting peopke hurt otg5er people and you dont want to drag others into your drama.
Step 4 Allow your healing to take as long as you Need it too
Don’t fall into the trap of listening to others when it comes to your healing. No one truly knows how long it can take to heal from a devastating endevour. But when its over you’ll know it! There will be an extra spring in your step a new perspective on life and love and your eyes will be able to embrace the “sun” again. So often people rush the healing process only to find themselves hurt even worse than before because now the hurts are piling up one on top of the other! Take your time you have your whole life to live!
There are things I can’t be sad or mad about because I allowed them to happen but can learn from them and allow the emotion to fuel my goals, hopes, and dreams! The new year for me is not always about renewal but about beginning again. I used to think about being and becoming something new, and like most people the new me never arrived, because the old me was and is who I am. I’ve learned since then not to try to be “new” but to try to be better.
To live better, to love better, and to go after my goals with more tenacity than ever. Am I waiting on “Boaz” to find me, anymore? The answer is no, I’m living so we can stumble upon each other. Have I lost sight of what’s important? No, I see it clearly now more than ever. What’s important varies from person to person and what’s most important is what matters to you.
2016 has motivated me to do better, to seek better, and to understand the why’s behind my decisions. I’ve realized that at this stage and age in my life it’s not the time for me to melt or morph my dreams into someone else’s. My dreams are far too big to dulled, dumbed, or meshed into a collage of nothingness, while helping to guide and to build someone else’s dream career.
In the next year and the years that follow I plan to selfishly pursue that which suits me. The things I want and the goals I have set for myself. Why? Because that’s what everyone else has done to me, never regarding my dreams or goals but always asking for my assistance for theirs. 2017 is going to remarkable, start taking notes now! 😉
A few years ago I chuckled as I read an article entitled “Black Women are for Grown ups”. I thought that the notion of black women being for “grown-ups” was a little far fetched and as much as an exaggeration as I had ever heard of one.
Over the years since I have often pondered the idea of black women being for “grown-ups” and as I have lived everyday of my life as a black woman and as I have sat around talking and discussing such ideas about relationships, education, and career with other black women I in a sense have come to agree.
Before I continue allow me to describe myself to grant you a sense of my perspective which I feel is not unique to those with similar backgrounds. I am a single women with no children, who has worked in my field for nearly ten years, I have an undergraduate as well as a graduate degree. I live in a decently populated city and I live what is considered to be a normal heterosexual life filled with family, friends, and a moderate dose of adventure (outings, nightlife, travel etc.) So now that you know more about me why am I single?
At this point many may suggest looks, demeanor, attitude, etc. In search of reasons but the truth is I’m a nice looking young woman with a good head on my shoulders, I’m generous, moderately adventurous, and down to earth. Seeing how I can name about 4-5 or more women I know with similar characteristics/attributes I can’t say that the problem is me or them but rather can be attributed in part to the society we live in.
My dating history has been filled with primarily African American men, who were around or near may same age bracket but definitely not exceeding more than 5 to 8 years on either side of the spectrum. Most not all have been educated, decent looking, God-fearing men. And I can think of the same qualities exuding from the men the women in my same predicament have dated. So why are we single?
Within my contemplation I have come to realize that in many respects black women are for grown-ups. I say this because although the men I’ve encountered have seemingly had it all together (job, career, education, spiritual) there is an avenue in which they still haven’t grown up. A grown-up in general is one who is self-sufficient, self-reliant, and takes care of their business. What I have found is that not many men fit into this category and those that can are usually taken.
“Black women are for grown ups”, are the words that keep echoing in my thoughts as I sit and discuss love and relationships with a plethora of black women spanning a variety of age groups and backgrounds. It seems that commonly at some point in our lives we have all encountered some of the same things no matter the age or stage. These things include but or not limited to infidelity, lack of communication, and inconsistency on several levels including jobs/carers etc.( As a minority certain societal influences are expected, understood, and dealt with accordingly within the confines of our households and the community at large. ) But I am saying that adulthood should not be stifled due to circumstances beyond any of our control. The “baby-boy” construct is however not a new concept.
The idea stems from the lack of patriarchal influences within the childhood home and the over compensation on the behalf of the woman/matriarchal influence in a male child’s life. Therefore, stifling or postponing onset “adulthood”, because of dependency. I like many of my female counterparts have encountered far too often men (black) that fit into this category. So again I say “black women are for grown-ups”.
How, have the men you’ve dated fit into the “baby-boy” construct? I’m sure this is what you’re asking yourself about now, so I’ll explain. Although, many of the men I’ve encountered have seemed to have themselves together upon further/deeper exploration they didn’t. There have been several underlying issues such as an unwillingness to “leave and cleave”. Sometimes these men are still living at home, living with a relative, or have left but they themselves or the mother are still reliant on each other or those that have left have gone from house to house (from one woman to the next) I call this one the “homeboy”. A second instance is the “hustle man”. Although at first glance the “hustle man” is intriguing, he works hard and is ambitious. Usually this type is filled with dreams, that he needs help to accomplish. Many women have been dazzled by him! But the reality is he has so many dreams that he nor you can focus in on just one. So you both become overwhelmed. He often says things like “all I need is for someone to believe in me”, often without realizing that all he needs is to believe in himself and focus on building “it” (whatever it is). These are usually the ones women see “potential” in and fall in love with the dream, until she realizes that she has become another crutch holding her “baby-boy” up. ….There are several types of “baby boys”, but for the sake of time I’ll stop there. (More detailed accounts and descriptions can be found in my upcoming book “One Day I Woke Up”)
In summation I’ll let you decide, “Are Black Women for Grown-Ups?”
Just months ago I was sitting, writing my wedding vows, and expressing my deepest thoughts of gratitude towards you.
Just months ago I thought you were the best and through many expressions I gave the rest.
Just months ago I sat happy in silence allowing thoughts of you to dance in my head.
Just months ago I was devoted and could see no one else but you and the life ahead.
But today ,
The tides changed and I see the shell of who I thought you were
Today I sit thinking about the life I could live without you I sit and infer.
Today I sit wishing and hoping that just for a moment I could tell you,
Tell you that somewhere the thoughts of you, the thoughts of us changed they became mingled and mangled, and mamed.
The walls have gone up, and I don’t know if that will ever change!
Recently having moved to a new place, the time appears to be flying by. For years I’ve prayed to be in my current location, for improved opportunity. And at the appropriate time, God granted it to me.
The timing of his plans are always “perfect”. My mind is much more settled and I have a greater sense of who I am as a person, however; I must admit the lure of the “city” has entranced me. So how do you find balance in an unbalanced environment? For me the key is staying grounded, but untattered.
Through out childhood due to circumstances that are all to familiar to children in today’s society my parents and I often communicated through a series of hand written letters. At the time I thought they were the worse form of communication for parents and children as I longed for the “normal” family/upbringing. But little did I know I was getting God’s best through my parents’ best.
In these letters my parents communicated with me with more depth and honesty than traditional “in house” parents do at any given time. The letters detailed life lessons, tips, and prayers for my future, most of the things that are often unspoken in regular everyday households.
That’s why I say God gave me his best! Growing up I read the letters with some regard noting what was said as they applied to my life at the moment and put them away. At the time I didn’t realize the value of what was taking place, although I knew without a doubt that I was loved, my parents were proud, and they always noted the goodness of God in each.
As I’ve grown up and now gotten into my thirties I can now appreciate what had taken place. In the hundreds of letters my parents were devulging the secrets to life that they had learned along their journeys without hesitation, without censorship, and without reserve. They were parenting me through distance for my future. The true value of what took place was the ability for me to look back on the life lessons etched out on paper with my now adult eyes and perspective.
These letters, notes, and cards are priceless and full of things that I often I apply now. Many of their words echoe daily in my mind. Things like “don’t take the long way around”, my mother wrote in one letter, advising me to be clear and never put things off because of my youth. Or, “life is just like this chessboard, ” my father said to me as he taught me the game and reinforced in a letter.
My life at that point had been uncharted, and hadn’t even began to take shape but they knew it would one day and God allowed the circumstances to be used for my good overall. Now in my new place, new city, at the crust on a new chapter in my life I’m thankful that although from my vantage point things appear “uncharted”, they have already
been chiseled out by the almighty!
Candid Moment: As children of God its our job to do things that would please him. During service today a key point was brought up amongst the many ways we can please God…how we treat our family…the people God selected for us to be placed with…as it was explained in life we are given authority to decide nearly every detail of our lives (friends, associates, career, etc. in many respects) but family the one we’re placed in is HIS choice.
Often in my life I have questioned this, “family” and thought as many do “why”. In today’s society not many people put an emphasis on family, instead we tend to gravitate more towards things and people that are most like us (in our comfort zone) because often times “family” challenges us, to give more than we want to give or to feel more than we want to feel. To some they place no emphasis on the blood tie relationships between people and gravitate towards bonds that until they are tested often rely on conditions unstated in an invisible contract, that once broken dissolves the bond.
I’ve always found it peculiar as to how some people can build a life based on so little. Often times people will make friendships trying to mimic the feelings of family, and often in the process push those away who love them unconditionally.
But the fact remains that when things are all said and done when you’re at your lowest God has provided a built in safety net. Now granted some families are not what they should be, but when pushed and tried ;they your blood will come through for you.
The family relationship is one that is heavily emphasized throughout the bible, as it refers to God and Jesus as father and son. This bond is unbreakable so much in fact that in order to have one you must also have a relationship with the other.
Family ties are sacred and often scarred by unforgiveness and resentment over time. These factors of division keep many from reaching their full potential. As people we could stand to go back to the times when the word family stood for something. In bible times the family unit carried itself as a church in the sense that people understood that in unity (where two or three were gathered) was where god dwelled and blessings flowed.
Unity amongst kin is where we need to get back to because in division and discourse the devil can freely devour!